A Halloween Story

I have a little Halloween story for you. I hope you enjoy it. It all started early this morning, today being Halloween, it only seems appropriate. In previous years I have encountered scary monsters in white and brown and grey; each a terror in the night. Like ghosts visiting Uncle Scrooge they come one after the other. Some of them had sprouted wings like fairies or bats; clothing torn and dirty; some claimed magical powers and others looked like the result of the same such threats. While many faces were benign, almost cute, most were gruesome and dripped with what appeared to be human blood. But none of them were as scary as the ones I met today.

It began with an appointment which came by way of a long time friend. The way was dark and unfamiliar, only my GPS to guide me as I struggled to find a path through the excessive obstacles blocking my journey. My husband had tried to stop me, and I let him for a brief moment, but now I was alone. Finally, I found a place to leave my transportation behind and proceed on foot through the trees toward a stone structure.  Once inside I found myself within a cavernous room with only a small light near the door. Wearing a pointed hat and long black dress, she took my name and made demands of me sending me away with a broad grin on her face. I waited for what seemed an eternity before another came for me, leading me into a small hallway and then beyond to a very small cell. As I sat upon the cold shelf I was given a window into the future where I watched such horrors I wanted to scream and look away. A single tear fought its way down my check. "Maybe its not too late. Maybe I can still escape." But I knew the truth, it was too late and my fate was sealed. Finally. the window closed. Then HE walked into my tiny chamber and reached toward me. I cringed in fear. The smile on his lips didn't match the look in his eyes and he responded with a slow gravelly voice and a heavy accent, "You will do fine. We will take care of you. You won't feel a thing. My assistant will come for you soon." As he left my cell I'm sure I heard a long, low Hide-like laugh rolling down the corridor I had just traveled myself. My heart began to skip beats as I waited for his 'assistant'. What entered wore horizontal stripes from head to toe and bore whiskers extending from her checks. Her words caused my heart to stop and my blood to freeze in my veins:   "OK, hun, we've got you down a week from today for your first -- Colonoscopy"

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well, I’ve been a little reluctant to post because my weight numbers have been going in the wrong direction. Then things went from bad to worse. Last Friday I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. That’s right Doc, kick a girl while she’s down. Actually I only have myself to blame. After I left the doctor’s office and stopped by the pharmacy to drop off my prescription for Metfurmin I went home and began looking for a snack. Ok, guys, I am not going to let this beat me; so I did good and searched for something diabetically acceptable. (I know that’s not a word, but it works for me.) In the first pantry I was met with crackers, sugar coated cereal, sugar added peanut butter and cinnamon raisin bread. - SHUT THE DOOR! - In the grandkid’s snack cabinet, I found fruit-flavored jelly snacks, sugar coated graham crackers, marshmallows and candy sprinkles. - Shut The Door! - Ok, I have two pantries, so I turned my gaze to the second one and looked inside. This one is for cooking and was full of ingredients just for that; like canned soup, instant potatoes, canned pasta and a variety of flavored candy chips for baking. I don’t eat canned soup so, - better shut the door! That left the freezer full of fruit bars and ice cream pops and a frig full of caramel on the bottom yogurt, caramel syrup, and sweetened condensed milk. I managed to locate a tomato and while it is a fruit and contains some natural sugar, except for the salt I added, it was still better than the rest.


This tour made me realize how badly I had let my diet go. How on earth did I believe I would lose weight eating like this? I decided to get serious about my diet and sent my husband to the store for Glucerna. Since then, I stopped eating anything with ‘sugar’ on the label and I have begun searching the internet for answers about the glycemic index and proper nutrition for diabetics. I found a fellow blogger when I began blogging about my MediFast adventure and guess what her blog was about today (09/20/2011). Check out her blog: Getting Healthy, One Day at a Time at: http://justpraisin.blogspot.com/.

As a last word, I have to add that I spent the last several months praying for God to help me miraculously lose my weight. (He’s done it for others, he could do it for me.) All the while, his still small voice said, “I’ve already given you everything you need.” Now, he’s finally let my poor choices damage me and I am left with the choice to do the right thing or suffer the consequences. Ok, Lord, Thank You that it’s not too late to make those better choices -- FOR LIFE!

TAKING THAT FIRST STEP – AGAIN (AND AGAIN, AND . . . )

Wow! According to my sister, we are taking a 1000 step (pounds) journey. Well, we are hopefully only on the last 100 or so pounds this time. This really has been a very long journey that I have been on. My sister is starting this journey already ahead of me. She sits at the 238 mark; while I am lagging here at the 260 (well actually 259.4). But I am not complaining, over the past 7 weeks, I have managed to lose 12.6 pounds. I am not going to count the first 3 weeks I was on this program, because my second week on program was spend on vacation during which I put back on the two pounds I lost on my ‘real’ first week, plus their twin pounds.

Since I restarted my journey, I keep telling myself that this is a life style change, not a diet. I never did really need to eat all those pints of Blue Bell ice cream, or those “Little Debbie” Swiss Cakes, or any of the other mindless choices I made just because someone made some “heartless” comment about the way I looked. And we all know people that, in their best effort to ‘help’ us, say some of the cruelest things. Some of the cruelest comments come from the ones who say they love us the most.

I can remember (much earlier in the journey) losing more than 60 pounds on Slim4Life (now known as SlimGenics). My company gave me the chance to assist an office in England for a couple of weeks. I decided to take the opportunity to vacation for a week in England since I did not know when I might get a chance to visit across the pond on my own again. During the 3 weeks in England, I actually lost 15 pounds; mostly due to all of the walking and portion control eating I was doing (especially on my vacation since I was trying to save my money for souvenirs of my trip for my friends). I was extremely proud of my accomplishments. During my week in London, I walked for miles each day through London streets as a tourist while eating fresh fruits from street vendors. I guess I should have been cautious about getting sick, but I just washed all the fruit down with large liter bottles of “still” water. (I learned quickly that there are two types of water over there: Sparkling and Still.) I was having the time of my life seeing everything I could during those short six days in London. Food was the last thing on my list, except for a desire to try real “fish & chips”, bangers, and mashed peas. Next trip I’ll pass up on the bangers and mashed peas for sure.

When I returned to the states I kept losing and soon was less than 200 pounds for the first time since High School. At my age, I really have to think hard to remember that far back! About a month after I got back from England, I went “Home for Christmas” to see my father and his wife, my sister and her family, and my brother and his family. While having lunch with my father, stepmother, sister and niece, my father asked about my weight loss. My father had not seen me since before I started that particular journey to a new me. I told him about the nearly 60 pounds I had lost and that I was wearing clothes sizes I had not seen since high school. Just then my sister looked over at me and said, “Wait, I don’t want to be the fat one of the family!” I guess I had never thought of myself as the “fat one” of the family. I knew I was the largest member of our family, but I never put ‘that’ title on myself. I was crushed. For once I was smaller than my sister (she was actually in a beauty contest in high school) and yet she was telling me that she liked being smaller than me! Later that night, while telling my brother about the comment, my brother made the statement that he “did not mind being the fattest of the family” and patted his belly while he laughed. It was almost Christmas, so visions of “sugar plums” started dancing in my mind. I settled for an ice cream sandwich that night.

I did keep losing a little bit of weight, but struggled during the next five months. Finally, after a very trying month of May during which my best friend’s mother passed away and the stress of weekly traveling for my job (I was traveling to various office to teach a program no one wanted to learn, let alone use), I fell off the journey and eventually put back on the 60+ pounds. Of course, as usual, those 60 replacement pounds found some friends of their own to bring along on my journey.

I have now started this journey again and, with the support of my sister (she did ask for forgiveness for the ‘family fat’ comment), I plan to make it to the end of this journey. Well at least I plan to remove the remaining 100+ pounds that I still seem to be carrying. I will say that I have tried almost EVERYTHING out there and am now just trying to find the inner me that is crying to be heard. My weight does not define who I am; however, it does appear to reflect what I apparently think about myself. If you follow me on this journey for its duration, I will promise that the ride may not be smooth, but it will be interesting. This is a one step at a time journey; one day at a time.

Sometimes It Isn't About the Weight!

My brain can't comprehend the difficulties my body experiences due to my extra weight; until I pass a mirror and get a glimpse at the reality. I could toss the mirrors out and leave my brain confused, but then how would I know if I have my dress tucked in my pantie hose? Wait, I forgot, I wear pants and knee socks.

We purchased an xBox kinect and I've been testing some of the exercise programs and games. Some of them actually show your shape as you make the movements. I know the idea is to help you see if you are doing the activities correctly, but all I see is a wiggly blob. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Then I wander if we should have gotten a wii.

It is so difficult to not get depressed when I think about how far off I am from where I know I should be. This is not helping my self esteem. But in an enduring effort to recover, I seek just the right hair style and color to shape my face and hide the excess, just the right clothes to distract and do the same for my figure, you know, an apple. (OK, I could have said circle, that's a shape. I could have used an egg; or -- a big round fluffy biscuit; or -- a Starbucks cake pop... what was I saying? Oh, yeah!) And the right make up to highlight and disguise the ravages of age. I do whatever I believe I can to keep whatever I believe I still have and hide what I have added to it. Then I go and do something stupid.

Last night I made the mistake of asking if my husband if he liked my current hair style. He said, "Yes, it's OK... But I really like your hair the way you are wearing it in the family portrait on the stairs." Fortunately, our daughter was there to point out that 'big hair' is no longer in style.

The problem is: as I suggested before, you don't choose a hairstyle because you like the hairstyle, you choose it because of how it makes you look and feel. Now, I am certain (and this is how I choose to see it) my husband was trying hard to be very helpful in his advice. He just thought it made me look pretty in the picture. He wasn't thinking about how much weight I had gained through two births and the stress of life. His thought process was simple, analytical and reasonable -------- for a man. But I believe his heart was in the right place.

However, the worst thing was, the portrait he was referring to was made 100 pounds and 25 years ago. I felt like he wanted me to look like I did back then. And let me say, if I ever when I loose the 100 pounds, that ain't gonna happen!
So where do I go from here? Well, I know I don't want to go to the Nestle' Toll house Store. I have to remember that it is not my job to make other people like me. I can only do what I can to make myself somebody I like and that starts on the inside, before the weight comes off. I have to like who I am in ways others can't see, before I can make a permanent change where they can.

I think of all the friends I know who are not perfect in their looks, but have beautiful personalities and are well liked by everyone. I remind myself this is what really counts. Your friends don't care what you look like if you care to look your best, at any weight. My weight doesn't determine if people like me and it shouldn't be a factor in whether or not I like myself. My desire for permanent weight loss must come from my desire to live a healthier life.

By focusing on these attitudes I can move away from the pain I feel caused by the words of others (even those most loving and helpfully ones) and decide to accept myself and love myself as I am. And that's a good thing to remember as I leave my office for lunch.

Remember, no one  can love you more than you love yourself. OK, that's a whole new discussion. I'll save that for next week.

God bless you!

Starting a New Journey

It is a new day and today I start a new journey. It has been almost two years since my father died and I fell off the weight-loss wagon. I sit here; right back where I was before my journey began; weighing a whopping 238 pounds. That may not sound like much to you. I can't answer that. What I do know is that my body doesn't like this weight. In the last two years the muscles in my body have begun to complain more, I find movement difficult. My knees tend to want to buggle under the strain and it feels as though large padding has been tucked in around them restricting my movement and causing pain. Every step is slow and difficult. My thin husband and daughter don't understand and often leave me standing by the table in a resturant alone as I attempt to overcome the unsteadiness and pain I am experiencing. They don't mean to be cruel, they just don't get it.

I have weighed this much, down and back up again, for the last year. I am not blaming my weight on anyone else. But I am convinced that rapid weight loss is not the right weight loss for me. I know that Medifast, Jenny Craig, Nutri-System and all those others work for others who have kept their weight off, but not for me. I believe that it is not the program that keeps the weight off but an attitude of self-discipline.

So, this is my new goal: to develop good habits of self-discipline; and healthy attitudes about food, exercise and how to maintain a healthy body. I beleive this is what will bring about permanent weight loss.

I am committing myself to work through this and report on my struggles and findings. Please, let me know what you think and what tips your are trying; what is working for you and what is not.

God Bless You