We purchased an xBox kinect and I've been testing some of the exercise programs and games. Some of them actually show your shape as you make the movements. I know the idea is to help you see if you are doing the activities correctly, but all I see is a wiggly blob. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Then I wander if we should have gotten a wii.
It is so difficult to not get depressed when I think about how far off I am from where I know I should be. This is not helping my self esteem. But in an enduring effort to recover, I seek just the right hair style and color to shape my face and hide the excess, just the right clothes to distract and do the same for my figure, you know, an apple. (OK, I could have said circle, that's a shape. I could have used an egg; or -- a big round fluffy biscuit; or -- a Starbucks cake pop... what was I saying? Oh, yeah!) And the right make up to highlight and disguise the ravages of age. I do whatever I believe I can to keep whatever I believe I still have and hide what I have added to it. Then I go and do something stupid.
Last night I made the mistake of asking if my husband if he liked my current hair style. He said, "Yes, it's OK... But I really like your hair the way you are wearing it in the family portrait on the stairs." Fortunately, our daughter was there to point out that 'big hair' is no longer in style.
The problem is: as I suggested before, you don't choose a hairstyle because you like the hairstyle, you choose it because of how it makes you look and feel. Now, I am certain (and this is how I choose to see it) my husband was trying hard to be very helpful in his advice. He just thought it made me look pretty in the picture. He wasn't thinking about how much weight I had gained through two births and the stress of life. His thought process was simple, analytical and reasonable -------- for a man. But I believe his heart was in the right place.
However, the worst thing was, the portrait he was referring to was made 100 pounds and 25 years ago. I felt like he wanted me to look like I did back then. And let me say,
So where do I go from here? Well, I know I don't want to go to the Nestle' Toll house Store. I have to remember that it is not my job to make other people like me. I can only do what I can to make myself somebody I like and that starts on the inside, before the weight comes off. I have to like who I am in ways others can't see, before I can make a permanent change where they can.
I think of all the friends I know who are not perfect in their looks, but have beautiful personalities and are well liked by everyone. I remind myself this is what really counts. Your friends don't care what you look like if you care to look your best, at any weight. My weight doesn't determine if people like me and it shouldn't be a factor in whether or not I like myself. My desire for permanent weight loss must come from my desire to live a healthier life.
By focusing on these attitudes I can move away from the pain I feel caused by the words of others (even those most loving and helpfully ones) and decide to accept myself and love myself as I am. And that's a good thing to remember as I leave my office for lunch.
Remember, no one can love you more than you love yourself. OK, that's a whole new discussion. I'll save that for next week.
God bless you!
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